


in heaven

by princessmiakitten



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Color, M/M, the character death is a very minor thing tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-23 00:42:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4856657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessmiakitten/pseuds/princessmiakitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Koushi idly wonders if Tooru had been the one to keep the frigidity of the night away, if he had with the brightness of his smiles that managed to light up Koushi’s entire world.</p>
<p>He wonders if Tooru had warded it away with the warmth of his body, with the heat of his skin pressed flush against Koushi’s, with the strong beating of his heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in heaven

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Paltita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paltita/gifts).



> birthday fic for my favorite artist and good friend, Jeannette ♥  
> this actually wasn't the fic that i was writing for your birthday tbh this just happened so please take this as a replacement until i finish the other fic orz
> 
> also listen to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fnv1VG4HkiM) while you're reading

Sugawara Koushi never thought he’d ever miss seeing color.

He never thought the hues that painted his world, something he never even wanted at first, would become his everything to the point that he longs for it now that his world is back to being monochrome.

You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

Koushi is realizing that now.

Koushi regrets not appreciating it more: the color that had appeared the first time he ever saw Tooru on the court, the not wanting it, wishing it for it to disappear at first because of his own desire to not have a soulmate.

He had foolishly thought he’d give up who he was as a person if he had gotten a soulmate.

And he didn’t realize until Tooru left that he had only gotten stronger as a person rather than weaker.

Sometimes he lies awake at night, his chest aching despite the emptiness he feels inside it.

Sometimes he thinks he’ll see a flash of color, maybe a hint of brown or a touch of light blue but then he takes a deeper look and he realizes it’s not there.

Color isn’t there anymore.

Tooru isn’t there anymore.

And he doesn’t know what’s worse-- the fact that Tooru is gone or the pain of being reminded of it every single day when he opens his eyes to gray skies, to black blobs.

He doesn’t remember darkness ever being so uninviting.

The darkness makes him think of the warmth of Tooru’s touch on Koushi’s cheek, the way those rough fingers were so gentle against his skin. The darkness makes him think about the way the two would lay outside during the summer, looking up at the stars that shone so brightly, enhanced by the color they could then see.

The darkness, even before Tooru, was never this cold.

The darkness, even before Tooru, didn’t haunt him as it does now. The darkness just reminds him of what he lost, of what he can never get back.

The darkness is cold.

Koushi idly wonders if Tooru had been the one to keep the frigidity of the night away, if he had with the brightness of his smiles that managed to light up Koushi’s entire world.

He wonders if Tooru had warded it away with the warmth of his body, with the heat of his skin pressed flush against Koushi’s, with the strong beating of his heart.

A heart that was meant to beat only for Koushi, a heart that was destined to find Koushi’s own and bring him out of the darkness, but instead of the darkness that surrounds him in the bedroom the two had shared, it was then the darkness of his own mind.

It’s funny that Tooru not only had been able to light up a room, but had been able to light up the darkest corners of Koushi’s mind-- a place no one had ever seen.

Tooru was a star through and through, a ball of light and energy that managed to affect anyone and everyone with whom he came in contact. He was born a star and that is where he’d joined, his rightful place in the sky among twinkling constellations.

Sometimes Koushi looks at the stars and thinks about Tooru and which one he is, which one he could possibly be-- but he can’t figure it out.

He could never figure it out.

When he looks up at the stars, they all look the same to him-- Sure, they’re white and they twinkle, but there’s no color anymore to differentiate between them. He can’t even tell which one is brighter than the other.

He can’t, he can’t. he can’t.

He could never.

Even now, months later, Koushi still blames himself for not seeing the signs.

He should’ve noticed when the stars didn’t seem as bright as they used to, or the way his vision grayed at the ends of objects. He should’ve seen the way Tooru’s smile tightened, the way his face started to pale, to lose color.

The loss of color.

He should’ve noticed something so important.

Color, something he didn’t see at the beginning and only saw once he met his soulmate.

Color, something that doesn’t exist to people without soulmates.

Color, the telltale sign that Koushi was losing Tooru.

It doesn’t even exist in his mind anymore, when he tries to remember his time with Tooru, the limited amount of time he had. He can no longer see the color of his eyes, the brightness of them whenever he looked at Koushi. He can no longer see the color of Tooru’s skin whenever Koushi said something romantic or whenever he came down from the love-making induced high.

He doesn’t remember the color of Tooru’s lips the last time they pressed against Koushi’s.

But what Koushi does remember is the sound of the last words Tooru ever spoke, the hushed syllables whispered in Koushi’s ear in the muted light of morning.

“I love you. I’ll come back to you.”

Liar.

Tooru never came back to him, never gave Koushi a chance to tell him how much he loved him one last time.

And Koushi wonders if this is the fate he was destined for. He wonders if this is what everything had led up to-- his aversion to color in the first place, and then falling in love with the person who showed him everything only to have it abruptly taken away from him.

He wonders if he was meant to feel so loved, to give his all to someone, only to feel so empty afterwards when he was left with nothing but colorless memories.

Koushi wants to hate Tooru-- wants to hate him for giving him everything, wants to hate him for not coming back, for breaking his promise.

But he can’t.

He could never.

Koushi clutches Tooru’s pillow tightly. It still smells faintly of citrus. Faintly of Tooru.

The darkness is creeping up in the crevices of his mind again, and this time he doesn’t have Tooru to keep it away.


End file.
